I feel myself changing lately, maybe it is getting a little older or a quarter life crisis, who knows? But what I once thought of as important or aspiring no longer seems relevant. What is the deal with that? What is making me change? This is what I am talking about....
I always wanted (as snooty as it sounds) the big fancy house. I pictured lots of square feet, marble, huge open rooms, HGTV anyone? That is what I could see myself loving life in. But now that isn't what I see in my dreams. I am content with our average subdivision, 4 bedroom, ranch style house. Where I use to focus on when we could move to a newer, better house....now I find myself just wanting to make my current house cozy. Whoa! Cozy? Who am I?
When I say cozy I mean I want my flowerbeds full of fresh flowers, hanging baskets on the porch, and a fresh herb and berry garden in the back. I want my girls to be able to water flowers and go pick a homemade bouquet at any time. To feel PEACE when they walk in our home.
Instead of worrying about how HGTV my house looks on the inside, I am more concerned with it being a place of serenity now for my kids and my husband. I just wonder whats changed in me?
And it is not just my house, it is everything. I find myself just wanting to give more and more of myself to my husband lately too. I recently posted about how out of no where my dreams of having this big important career changed into this strong powerful desire to stay home with my girls. I find my relationship with my husband evolving too.
I use to be more about what is fair for me in our marriage. It was all about are we doing an equal amount of work? How many days will I have to man this house alone? How can you make up for my feelings of loneliness and overwhelmingness (yeah, its a word in Coley land). But now I am getting to a point in my life and marriage where I want to make my husband feel fulfilled.
I am finally at a spot where I am OK and actually accept without whining (ok, very little whining) when he has to go. I use to hate the military, all I could see was the negative and how much it disrupted my life. But now I see our military service as privilege and honor. I am finally able to look past the bad and see all that it has provided for my family. And that has made my marriage so much stronger. It feels good to know that distance means nothing, time apart means nothing, and that our marriage is finally about us, not our circumstances.
My husband is military. That is just who he is and will always be. Until I was able to realize and ACCEPT that, our marriage was at a standstill. It was in a rotten place full of jealousy, resentment, and all those ugly, not so fuzzy, feelings no one tells you about.
So back to original question: Why am I changing? I don't know to be honest with you. I don't know what has happened to me in the last 6 months, but it has definitely been life altering. Has anything like this ever happened to you? Where you wake up one day and realize I am not the same person?
But I am OK with that?