Thursday, September 29, 2011

Dear Deployment, I'm still alive!

 Sorry its been a while since I blogged, but we have had school things, soccer, gymnastics, lots of sickness, and just overall getting ready for fall busyness. But I am still here and alive. 

I have a small confession to make. I am a little excited about having a going away and coming home ceremony. I know, I know, that probably sounds really odd. But, you have to understand that with Air Force/Air National Guard deployments, probably 70% of the time, there aren't ceremonies.

With our last deployment (1st deployment), my husband left in a public airport, in civilian clothes, with 4 other guys. And he came home the same way. There wasn't any hoopla or excitement. It was like he was coming home from a business trip. A very odd feeling.
So this time, I am a little excited to have the big ceremony. We are in a new unit, a fighter unit, so this a mass deployment of 300+ people. I have been on the hunt for ideas on what my girls could wear for when he leaves and comes home. I am thinking pillowcase dresses for departure and tutus and personalized shirts for when he comes home. Any ideas from any of you readers?

 And I have been looking for ideas for signs and how to get banners for when he comes home. Yellow ribbon on our big front tree and a yellow ribbon wreath for the door will be a must too!
 BUT, honestly, I think this is just my way of trying to sike myself up for this. My way of trying to find a healthy way to think about it without dwelling on it. Whatever it is, it is making me feel better right now.
 We should find out in the next couple weeks how long my husband will be gone. He is also hoping to get a new position on base, so keep your fingers crossed for that one. Might be a while before I post again. We have a big air show this weekend, so I am looking forward to just relaxing.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Dear Deployment, I have a plan!

I have a plan to survive this. I will survive this.
I have decided to spend some time up north with my mother in law after my husband leaves. By the time we get back home, it will be time for my oldest to start kindergarten. I am hoping by staying gone and busy before school, it will make time go by faster. I am also putting my youngest in a mothers day out program, just so mommy gets a break!

I feel confident having a plan. I think between the busyness of life and my expert timing of how I am doing things, the time will just fly bye.

BUT for now, until he leaves, I am all about preparing. I plan to spend my cold, winter days getting my house in tip top shape. I am going to organize like crazy, clean like crazy, and freshen up around here as much as I can. 

I also think we are going to work on the house to make sure its left in the best shape for me to handle as well. So I guess I am off to make my winter list, I have to find the silver lining in something!

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Dear Deployment, leave me alone for a while

It Happened. I finally BROKE yesterday.
I was doing so good at being strong, or at least appearing strong on the outside. But there is just something about those church doors that make you instantly lose your poker face and turn into a blubbering, snot faced mess. 

I just couldn't handle it.
All of sudden all of my fears and insecurities flooded onto me like a tidal wave. I couldn't control it. I literally felt like I was physically drowning sitting in that pew. I knew I was going to explode if I didn't get out of there FAST. So I left the building and once alone outside, I literally ran to my car. There in my car, finally free to be me, I just sobbed. and sobbed. and sobbed.

I just had to get it out. All the fears. All the realities. It all reared it's ugly face and finally surfaced its way out. 

Once I got it out, I did what every military wife does. I got my make-up compact out, fixed my face, and went back inside to sit strongly next to my airman. 

I just kept praying "Lord, you gave me this hand and I will survive it by Your grace, But right now I feel like I am drowning. Please give me peace, give me a lifeline. Give my anything"

After we got home, I just told Ry to hold me. Make me feel safe like he always has. It must have worked because for the first time since the news broke, I slept.

I am feeling better this morning. Maybe I just needed to release? I did wake up with my "stress belly" back in full force. You know, the I am going to puke any second feeling? So I did what I always do when emotions are overtaking me. I took the hottest shower I could stand. There is just something about the HOT water that reminds me I am still alive, suck it up, and LIVE.

So, today I am taking my girls for a picnic. We are just going to enjoy our day together, without worry.

PS> I will post some pics of my fam soon. That way you can finally meet moi, Ry, Little Bear, and Love Bug.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Dear Deployment, now ya makin me crazy!

 Yep. I did it. The BIG no-no.
I googled where my husband is going.
I know! I know! That is a sin among military wives, BUT I just had to see. Or at least I thought I did. Now I am even more sick to my stomach purely based off of the news stories that popped up. 
I am still so numb by it all.

All day I couldn't wait until my husband was home so I could get lost in his arms for a while. I just wanted to get away from it. Go somewhere safe where Afghanistan, Al Qaeda, RPG, KIA, etc. didn't exist. He has always been my escape destination. 
But instead, I found myself angry at him once I actually saw him. I don't know why. I guess it was just my brain's way of processing? It's way of dealing with it the best that I could. I don't know why I was mad, but I just simply was. 

I wonder if fear translates itself into anger sometimes? I didn't feel anger until I committed the ultimate sin and set out to research the location. And then it all hit me like a ton of bricks. I begin thinking 
"What if he doesn't come back?" 
"What would I tell the girls?"
"How would I make it?"
"What do I tell them now?"
"How do I explain DEPLOYMENT to a child?"

I am pretty sure at this point I just shut down. 
Until I had a brief moment of the "how can I get him out of this" brainstorming session. Since, logically that is the next step, right??? And I am not just some crazy psycho wife, RIGHT!?!?!

I finally snapped out of it enough to grab some cuddle time with my favorite airman. I tried hard to savor the moment, but it was just so bittersweet.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

I'm Back! With some new (unfortunate) things to say

You are probably thinking "Where the heck has she been!" Well, life got crazy and I got writer's block. So I took a small break. But I am back! And I am back with a new mission in mind.

Starting today my blog will become more of a journal. A journal of the real, raw feelings of a military wife. As I begin this first entry for the "new" blog, you will understand why the change.

Dear Deployment, I hate you!

That's right ladies, we got the call this morning. My husband is being deployed to A-stan. We always knew there was a possibly, but I somehow had fooled myself into thinking we would be the lucky ones.

It all started last week, my husband was at a conference in another state. News had broke on base that the rumors were true and now official. A very large numbers of airmen would be deployed next summer. According to the press release, all those who were going had already been notified. We were relieved (although I must add that my husband was a little upset about being "left behind"). We thought we had beat the odds! My husband had not received any kind of notice. As I rejoiced for my family, my heart hurt for the other families of the unit.

My husband returned to base this morning to begin what he thought would be another typical day at work. Instead, he was greeted by some people who wanted to give him the dreaded news in person. They told him he was not notified last week because of his travel, but that he was one of the many being deployed. I am sure at that point my husband thought "how am I going to tell her after all the relief this weekend?"

I slept in with girls this morning. I was excited to start our day because tomorrow is our oldest daughter's first day of Pre-K. I just wanted to enjoy our official last day of summer together. I called my husband to tell him good morning and apologize for not getting up with him this morning. As soon as he answered I knew something was wrong by the tone of his voice. He said, "I have to tell you something you are not going to like"

My heart sank. I instantly knew. Deployment had shown her ugly face again.

"Honey, I am on the list. I am going. I am so sorry"

I felt numb. I felt like throwing up. I had so many thoughts, so many questions, yet all I could do is be quiet. He told me he would email me details, but that he had to go. I was still just silent.

I immediately opened my email. There it was. Black and White. The dreaded word.


He gave me all the need to know details of when he knew he would be gone for trainings, where at, how long. And then just the barebone details of the actual deployment. He told me it would sometime next summer. We still aren't sure of the exact amount of time he will be there, but we do have a pretty good idea.

I just sat and cried. 

All I could think about was time. The time we had left. The time he would be gone. The milestones and holidays he would miss out on. 

Then it jumped to our girls. How do I tell them? Our oldest turned 2 two days after he deployed last time. She doesn't remember. Now she will be 5 1/2. She will be old enough to know but not understand. He will miss her first day of kindergarten. Our youngest will be almost 2 1/2 when he leaves. What will he miss of hers? 

Then I think, "can I even do this?" "Am I strong enough" "Am I up for this?"

As the kids fought all morning, cried over the wrong cup, broke down over crust on sandwiches, etc. You know all the things that are of course indications of the end of world. I just felt like breaking down with them. It made me want to go hide somewhere and not come out. 

I have been through deployment before. I know this is all typical of the shock stage. But right now, its just too real to be reasonable or logical. 

We are lucky to know so far in advance, but then again are we? Does it give us more time to prepare or to dread? I guess time will tell on that one. Right now, I just have to take a deep breath and find a way to pull it together. I have to pull it together for my girls and for husband. That is my duty to my country. And hopefully this "I am going to throw up" phase will pass soon.