Thursday, September 8, 2011

Dear Deployment, leave me alone for a while

It Happened. I finally BROKE yesterday.
I was doing so good at being strong, or at least appearing strong on the outside. But there is just something about those church doors that make you instantly lose your poker face and turn into a blubbering, snot faced mess. 

I just couldn't handle it.
All of sudden all of my fears and insecurities flooded onto me like a tidal wave. I couldn't control it. I literally felt like I was physically drowning sitting in that pew. I knew I was going to explode if I didn't get out of there FAST. So I left the building and once alone outside, I literally ran to my car. There in my car, finally free to be me, I just sobbed. and sobbed. and sobbed.

I just had to get it out. All the fears. All the realities. It all reared it's ugly face and finally surfaced its way out. 

Once I got it out, I did what every military wife does. I got my make-up compact out, fixed my face, and went back inside to sit strongly next to my airman. 

I just kept praying "Lord, you gave me this hand and I will survive it by Your grace, But right now I feel like I am drowning. Please give me peace, give me a lifeline. Give my anything"

After we got home, I just told Ry to hold me. Make me feel safe like he always has. It must have worked because for the first time since the news broke, I slept.

I am feeling better this morning. Maybe I just needed to release? I did wake up with my "stress belly" back in full force. You know, the I am going to puke any second feeling? So I did what I always do when emotions are overtaking me. I took the hottest shower I could stand. There is just something about the HOT water that reminds me I am still alive, suck it up, and LIVE.

So, today I am taking my girls for a picnic. We are just going to enjoy our day together, without worry.

PS> I will post some pics of my fam soon. That way you can finally meet moi, Ry, Little Bear, and Love Bug.

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