Dear Deployment, now ya makin me crazy!

  Yep. I did it. The BIG no-no. I googled where my husband is going. I know! I know! That is a sin among military wives, BUT I just had to see. Or at least I thought I did. Now I am even more sick to my stomach purely based off of the news stories that popped up.  I am still so numb by it all.
All day I couldn't wait until my husband was home so I could get lost in his arms for a while. I just wanted to get away from it. Go somewhere safe where Afghanistan, Al Qaeda, RPG, KIA, etc. didn't exist. He has always been my escape destination.  But instead, I found myself angry at him once I actually saw him. I don't know why. I guess it was just my brain's way of processing? It's way of dealing with it the best that I could. I don't know why I was mad, but I just simply was. 
I wonder if fear translates itself into anger sometimes? I didn't feel anger until I committed the ultimate sin and set out to research the location. And then it all hit me like a ton of bricks. I begin thinking "What if he doesn't come back?" "What would I tell the girls?""How would I make it?" "What do I tell them now?""How do I explain DEPLOYMENT to a child?"
I am pretty sure at this point I just shut down.  Until I had a brief moment of the "how can I get him out of this" brainstorming session. Since, logically that is the next step, right??? And I am not just some crazy psycho wife, RIGHT!?!?!
I finally snapped out of it enough to grab some cuddle time with my favorite airman. I tried hard to savor the moment, but it was just so bittersweet.