Tuesday, September 6, 2011

I'm Back! With some new (unfortunate) things to say

You are probably thinking "Where the heck has she been!" Well, life got crazy and I got writer's block. So I took a small break. But I am back! And I am back with a new mission in mind.

Starting today my blog will become more of a journal. A journal of the real, raw feelings of a military wife. As I begin this first entry for the "new" blog, you will understand why the change.

Dear Deployment, I hate you!

That's right ladies, we got the call this morning. My husband is being deployed to A-stan. We always knew there was a possibly, but I somehow had fooled myself into thinking we would be the lucky ones.

It all started last week, my husband was at a conference in another state. News had broke on base that the rumors were true and now official. A very large numbers of airmen would be deployed next summer. According to the press release, all those who were going had already been notified. We were relieved (although I must add that my husband was a little upset about being "left behind"). We thought we had beat the odds! My husband had not received any kind of notice. As I rejoiced for my family, my heart hurt for the other families of the unit.

My husband returned to base this morning to begin what he thought would be another typical day at work. Instead, he was greeted by some people who wanted to give him the dreaded news in person. They told him he was not notified last week because of his travel, but that he was one of the many being deployed. I am sure at that point my husband thought "how am I going to tell her after all the relief this weekend?"

I slept in with girls this morning. I was excited to start our day because tomorrow is our oldest daughter's first day of Pre-K. I just wanted to enjoy our official last day of summer together. I called my husband to tell him good morning and apologize for not getting up with him this morning. As soon as he answered I knew something was wrong by the tone of his voice. He said, "I have to tell you something you are not going to like"

My heart sank. I instantly knew. Deployment had shown her ugly face again.

"Honey, I am on the list. I am going. I am so sorry"

I felt numb. I felt like throwing up. I had so many thoughts, so many questions, yet all I could do is be quiet. He told me he would email me details, but that he had to go. I was still just silent.

I immediately opened my email. There it was. Black and White. The dreaded word.


He gave me all the need to know details of when he knew he would be gone for trainings, where at, how long. And then just the barebone details of the actual deployment. He told me it would sometime next summer. We still aren't sure of the exact amount of time he will be there, but we do have a pretty good idea.

I just sat and cried. 

All I could think about was time. The time we had left. The time he would be gone. The milestones and holidays he would miss out on. 

Then it jumped to our girls. How do I tell them? Our oldest turned 2 two days after he deployed last time. She doesn't remember. Now she will be 5 1/2. She will be old enough to know but not understand. He will miss her first day of kindergarten. Our youngest will be almost 2 1/2 when he leaves. What will he miss of hers? 

Then I think, "can I even do this?" "Am I strong enough" "Am I up for this?"

As the kids fought all morning, cried over the wrong cup, broke down over crust on sandwiches, etc. You know all the things that are of course indications of the end of world. I just felt like breaking down with them. It made me want to go hide somewhere and not come out. 

I have been through deployment before. I know this is all typical of the shock stage. But right now, its just too real to be reasonable or logical. 

We are lucky to know so far in advance, but then again are we? Does it give us more time to prepare or to dread? I guess time will tell on that one. Right now, I just have to take a deep breath and find a way to pull it together. I have to pull it together for my girls and for husband. That is my duty to my country. And hopefully this "I am going to throw up" phase will pass soon. 

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